Picture this, if you can. You summon the gumption to tell someone that
you have multiple sclerosis. You wonder how that person will respond. But
before you even finish revealing your MS secret, you get this:
“You have MS? I know someone who has that.”
Immediately, that person launches into a Quadrasonic and Technicolor
description of how their MSer is way worse off than you are. Or that person
might begin a diatribe about how their MSer is doing much better than you are.
“I know someone who has MS. He’s been in a
wheelchair for 10 years.”
“I know
someone who has MS. She was elected mayor of her city.”
“I know someone who has MS. He became a drug
addict.”
“I know
someone who has MS. She got divorced and lost her house.”
“I know
someone who has MS. He is training for the Olympics.”
“I know someone
who has MS. She is in a nursing home.”
“I know
someone who has MS. He couldn’t get insurance, and it ruined him.”
“I knew
someone who has MS. He died from it.”1
Um, none of these are exactly helpful. Why do people feel the need to surpass your sharing with a more extreme story?
The focus here is on MS, but these concerns transfer easily to other medical conditions.
Is it one-upsmanship or empathy?
I suppose there could be multiple reasons why someone would hijack your
personal revelation about MS and take the conversation into a sideline
situation.
Often, it seems people don’t really know how to react, when they learn
you have a chronic, potentially disabling, and so-far incurable medical
condition that causes your own body to betray itself. Perhaps they mean to be
compassionate and caring, but they may feel a little awkward about how to do
it. So they spill stories of family, friends, friends-of-friends, or whomever who happened to have MS.
People sometimes believe they demonstrate empathy and understanding, if
they share a somewhat related story. They seem to think you will be comforted
by hearing that someone somewhere faces (or faced) something even remotely
close to what you face.
On the other hand, they might simply be overconfident conversationalists,
who are only comfortable when they steer conversations into their own areas of
familiarity (real or feigned). If they can come up with anecdotes that loosely
relate to your initial share, then they might be pleased to assume you will
think they are clued-in. We all know people who want to be experts on
everything, don’t we?
Maybe it’s just about someone’s need to be heard. Plenty of people are
uncomfortable with lapses in conversation. So, before you even finish your
sentence and take a breath, they plunge in with their proverbial two cents. It’s
as if leaving a little air-time is just too scary, especially when a sensitive
subject is in the air.
What’s the most helpful response people can have,
when you disclose that you have MS?
Certainly, that’s an individual thing. And how an MSer deals with the
subject can depend largely on personal temperament, how long it’s been since the
initial diagnosis, how he or she is coping with the struggles of having MS, what
symptoms (and how many symptoms) are flaring, and how he or she feels at the
moment.
Would you rather be allowed to elaborate further before people respond?
Would you welcome questions to help you get your own story out? Would you
prefer listeners simply nodded and urged you to continue? Or would you be
encouraged to hear the dramatic follow-up stories people are prone to share?
Oh, and how do you feel when people shower you with financial, fitness, life
skills, medical, nutritional, political, time management, or other advice after
you share such a personal issue? (Yeah. Didn't think so. Me neither.)
1 People
don’t generally die from MS, although they may succumb to complications of
living with MS. Statistically, the life expectancy for MSers is not significantly different (estimated
at approximately 6-7 years less) than that of the general population.
MS tends to impact quality of life much more than length of life.
Image/s:
MS Conversation –
adapted by this user from public domain
photo
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